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Poetry Bomb

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Here's a prosaic poem. I tried to do something with the repetition, as you can see, and I'm sure it doesn't work right now. I'll force myself to recast it at some point, but the sentiments are there so when my wife stumbles over my blog as she sometimes does she can read it. Like a poetry-bomb, except it'll disappear in a couple days.


*poof*
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  1. gerry boydAugust 6, 2010 at 1:47 PM

    Nice bomb although I suspect the eventual explosion to be mild and quickly doused with mist. If the world was filled with fathers like you, my, what a better place it would be.

    From a technical perspective I think, at least from my reading, that the 'unfortunately' in the last two stanzas do not do the work that you intended, unless you intended the ambiguity. You wanted to mean that it is unfortunate that is was necessary to teach that lesson, right, not that it was unfortunate that you did? The quick fix 'I have had to..' breaks the repetition though, unfortunately. ;-)

    Again, beautiful writing. Bravo!

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  2. RustyAugust 6, 2010 at 2:06 PM

    I think you're right. When I recast it's probably going to be a couple stanzas longer, as I've had some ideas since writing it. I wanted the ambiguity at first, now I'm not so sure. Thanks Gerry!

    ReplyDelete
  3. maryanne stahlAugust 6, 2010 at 3:20 PM

    not sure i understand the bomb idea but i love this, especially the last line

    ReplyDelete
  4. RustyAugust 6, 2010 at 3:41 PM

    Well, I sort of thought it was a weakish poem that I could improve later, ergo poetry-bomb. I'm glad you like it though!

    ReplyDelete

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